Fake British Accents
by randomqueenwilla
Summary: Linda and I get transported into Harry Potter where Lockhart is a creep, Ron is unimportant, Snape has a pretty wand, Tea leaves foretell my death, and we find a psychotic diary to play with. Crack fic with hints at the original HP plot. No Slash.
1. Chapter 1

Linda and I have once again gotten bored while hanging out and decided to write another story. Please don't expect a plot this is purely humorous. It is made so that Linda and I can giggle at it. If you giggle too that is fine. If you are a manly man then you can manly chuckle instead of giggle I won't tell.

Fake British Accents

Chapter 1: People Crushing Time

One day Linda and I were speaking in our fake British accents when we were suddenly transported into the Harry Potter World. Not the one in Universal, been there, but the real one with the magic; Where if you say, 'you die' someone might actually die.

So, we...as usual, were transported completely elegantly. Meaning we fell down. On top of some people, but they were invisible so...it wasn't our fault. We couldn't see them, okay.

"Ow." the people under us muttered.

"Linda we should get off them." I decided.

"I don't know, I am feeling kind of comfortable."

"Linda." I scolded.

"I don't wanna." Linda whined.

"Get off." one of the people under us said, before shoving Linda off him. I had already gotten off.

"Oh look Harry Potter." Linda said pointing at him.

"And Ron." I pointed out while gesturing at the one who shoved Linda off of them.

"I forgot he even existed. You're just that unimportant, Mr. Broken stick." Linda teased.

"How do you know who I am?" Ron questioned.

"Well if you excuse us we are just going to go in that corner and stay away from you." I said walking calmly away.

"Bad things happen around you guys, so bye." Linda agreed nodding sagely.

"How did you get here?" Harry questioned following us. He apparently didn't get the whole staying away from him thing.

"That should have been your first question." I remarked.

"Well?" Harry questioned.

"We don't know." I answered.

"We should take them to Dumbledore." Ron suggested.

"Yes take us to Dumbledore. And do it by, via, magic so we don't have to walk." Linda suggested.

"I agree, let's do that."

"We can't." Ron stated.

"Why not?" Linda and I questioned at once.

"We just can't. You will have to walk."

"What kind of magic school is this? Making people walk." I questioned.

"Hogwarts is a great school." Harry argued.

"This is a school?" Linda questioned.

"Yes." I answered simply while rolling my eyes at Linda.

"We're here." Harry announced pointing to the gargoyle.

"That was fast." Linda remarked.

"It wasn't because the author was lazy or anything." I said whistling innocently.

"So...do you know the password?" Linda questioned.

"Lemon drops?" Harry questioned and nothing happened.

"Jolly ranchers!" Linda added.

"Butterscotch!" I tried.

"Now or Laters!"

"Lolly pops!"

"Tootsie Roll Pops!"

"Tootsie Rolls!"

"Those are all interesting candies, but why are you all trying to get into my office?" Dumbledore questioned.

"I don't know." Linda said.

"They appeared out of nowhere." Harry explained.

"We did?" I questioned.

"I don't think we appeared out of nowhere. We were somewhere. We just weren't where you were." Linda stated.

"Yes we are all somewhere until we are somewhere else." Dumbledore mused.

"Exactly." Linda agreed nodding, glad that someone agreed with her. "A person that understands me."

"People would understand you more if you made sense." I pointed out.

"Obviously I make sense to Dumbledore, maybe it is you that doesn't make any sense."

"I never claimed to make sense."

"You implied."

"We should discuss where you are from." Dumbledore decided.

"Not here." I offered looking suspiciously at the hallway.

"I came from my mamma, how I got there I don't want to talk about." Linda answered.

"See, they are not cooperative." Ron explained.

"There are kids here..." Linda noted.

"Anyway." I got everyone's attention and then stopped talking.

"You don't look dangerous..." Dumbledore trailed off.

"Looks can be deceiving." Linda remarked.

"Whose side are you on Linda?" I questioned trying to raise one eyebrow but failing, failure.

"I don't choose sides." Linda said. "We play neutral. Play being the keyword."

"But you need to be watched." Dumbledore amended.

"Please not Snape." I muttered.

"So I will assign several of my teachers to watch you. You will stay with different ones throughout the day so that you will not interfere with their teaching." Dumbledore said his eyes twinkling when he heard my not Snape comment.

"Okay, that seems fair. Which teachers?" I decided.

"Minerva McGonagall, Gilderoy Lockhart, Sybill Trelawney, and Severus Snape." Dumbledore said smiling.

"Dang it." I muttered.

"I will call Minerva up here to get you and take you to an empty dormitory." Dumbledore said while sending Fawkes with a message.

"Thanks." I said realizing that it could have been worse. We could have been kicked out of Hogwarts and then Voldemort would somehow find us. Somehow. Not quite sure how considering he doesn't have a solid form at the moment. He would find a way, just to be creepy and evil.

"Now, you two should also head back to your dormitory I will have Minerva escort you back also." Dumbledore said.

"Alright." Harry and Ron said trading looks probably trying to telepathically figure out a way to get out of trouble.

"You called?" Minerva said entering the hallway where we were still all standing.

"Yes. Please escort Mr. Potter and Weasley back to their dorm and these two young ladies to an empty room near yours."

"Yes, sir." Minerva said scrutinizing us probably wondering who we were and how we got there.

* * *

"Welcome ladies to my office." Lockhart announced putting his arms around both of us and guiding us in.

"I think that picture just winked at me." I whispered loudly to Linda.

"Knowing you it did. Gah! It winked at me too!"

"Linda I think that was a different picture."

"Oh."

"Finally someone hits on you." I said happily clapping my hands. If you're happy and you know it…

"No! I don't want creepy people after me." Linda whined.

"At least it's only a picture."

"Ladies, what shall we do during this time we have together." Lockhart questioned grinning at us as if we didn't just have a conversation about being creep-ed out by his pictures.

"I am going to be over here." I said pointing to a corner of the room where there were no pictures of him.

"No! That's my spot!" Linda said knocking me over and into Lockhart. Lockhart smiled and placed his hands on my shoulders so that I wouldn't fall down. Then he didn't let go. Dang it.

"I hate you." I glared.

"Love you too." Linda responded sitting in my corner.

"Have you read my book?" Lockhart asked with a smile.

"No." I said simply trying to escape from his hand. It's harder than it looks, plus I didn't want him to realize what I was doing.

"Heard of me in papers?"

"No."

"You know my name?"

"Yes."

"Everyone knows me."

"Minerva told me your name." I pointed out.

"Did you know I fought a vampire?"

"A vampire?" I questioned suddenly going sparkley eyed about vampires.

"Yes and a werewolf."

"Vampires." I sighed dreamily.

"I defeated him."

"Was he pretty?" I questioned imagining the gorgeous vampire that could have appeared.

"No, he was dangerous." Lockhart said realizing that the subject was steering away from him.

"Poor Vampire." I sighed.

"Never saw it coming." Linda said shaking her head from her Lockhart free corner.

"Well, um..." Lockhart muttered trying to figure out a way to steer the conversation back towards himself.

"Oh look a book!" I said looking at a spell book that was left on Lockhart's desk.

"Ah yes I had confiscated it from a first year earlier. They were reading it instead of listening to my lecture." he explained.

"Smart kid." Linda muttered.

"I will just dispose of this for you." I offered picking up the book and sitting in Lockhart's chair. Then I started reading it as Lockhart began talking about himself again. Linda merely zoned off in her happy corner of happiness aka a place where there is no Lockhart.

Lockhart continued to talk at me while I continued to completely ignore him and read about spells I can't do because I don't have a wand. Why am I reading this again? Oh yeah, it is more interesting to read about something that you will never be able to do than listen to Lockhart. I pity the poor children in his class. Poor souls, never saw it coming.

* * *

"Are you here to save us from the staring?" I asked as Trelawney knocked on Lockhart's door.

"Please say yes." Linda pleaded officially creep-ed out by all the Gildory pictures.

"The tea leaves have told me that you need to come with me." Trelawney said mysteriously.

"They did?" I questioned.

"I want talking tea!" Linda said excitedly jumping out of her corner.

"Oh no." Trelawney said as I walked by her.

"What?" I questioned.

"You are going to die." She said dramatically as we strolled through the hallways.

"Thank you, but I knew that already. Well, unless some hot vampire dude came and turned me...but Lockhart killed him apparently." I pouted.

"How is she going to die?" Linda questioned happily.

"I hope spontaneous combustion." I said happily.

"If you know about it then it is spontaneous?" Linda mused.

"I have asked myself that so many times." I pondered.

"No." Trelawney answered.

"Oh. Will I be hit by something?" I questioned.

"Maybe you will fall off a cliff." Linda added.

"No, I sense it will have to do with magic." she explained.

"Crap." I muttered.

"That means?" Linda mused.

"He-whose-name-is-too-long, and no one likes saying it, is probably going to be involved." I answered sagely.

"You know what that means?" Linda questioned.

"Cloaks?" I offered.

"Creepy staring and stalking." Linda said.

"Crap." I muttered.

"And cloaks." Linda agreed.

"Cloaks!" I said happily.

"I sense doom in the air." Trelawney said dramatically.

"Doom!" Linda shouted.

"Nothing like some Doom at noon." I said calmly as we continued walking up to the tower. We ignored the random students that were looking at us like we were crazy. Especially because they probably only heard the word doom.

* * *

Preview from next Chapter: Lockhart Time

"_Hello Mr. Pretty Wand." Linda greeted Snape. _

_"Get out." Snape said glaring at Linda and pushing me down into a seat._

_"Okay, Bye Candice." Linda said with a wave as she went back towards the door where a very amused McGonagall was still standing._

_"Don't leave me Linda." I called ignoring the glare that Snape was giving me._

_"Every man for himself." Linda called back._

_"What about the buddy system?" I questioned._

_"It died yesterday." Linda said before she was out the door._


	2. Lockhart Time?

I am avoiding packing for a trip to Tampa this weekend to go see Linkin Park and my sister. This also means I won't get a chance to update later so I figured might as well. (Since 5 chapters of this are already conveniently written)

I forgot to say this during the first chapter but I don't own Harry Potter. If I did I would write these stories in book form and make you all buy them. (Bwaha) aren't you all glad I don't own things?

In other news I have no clue why this chapter is called Lockhart time when he is barely in it…oh well. Enjoy.

Chapter 2: Lockhart Time

"I see a kitten." Linda said analyzing her tea leaves in her tea cup.

"I see an abyss of misery and darkness, oh wait, no. I see a moose." I said.

"Keep trying. See into the beyond." Trelawney instructed.

"But if it is beyond how can I possibly see it?" I whispered to Linda.

"I see it. I see...oh wait that's a fly." Linda said shooing the fly off her cup.

"How did a fly get all the way up here?" I questioned.

"I am guessing it flew." Linda stated.

"I think both of you should keep dream journals." Trelawney said placing some scrolls in front of us.

"Can't we just use a composition book or something?" Linda whined.

"I don't usually remember my dreams, unless they are good. Then they usually are strange."

"What do you mean?"

"I have night terrors meaning I will see horrible visions of death, doom, and destruction at night but in the morning I remember nothing." I said happily.

"Well whenever you remember some dream write it down."

"There you are." Minerva said glaring at Trelawney.

"I thought it would be good to teach them the art of Divination. They seem to be gifted in it."

"Yes! I am gifted." Linda said proudly.

"At least she didn't call us special." I added.

"I see." Minerva said.

"I guess you are here to take us from here?" I questioned starting to feel a little woozy from the incense anyway.

"Yes." Minerva said simply.

"Don't forget the dream journals." Trelawney reminded us as we left her standing in her classroom.

"So what are we going to do in your classroom?" Linda questioned.

"I am going to grade papers, while you two read basic spell books."

"You're no fun." Linda whined.

"At least there won't be a creepy man staring at us." I pointed out referring to the last time I was reading a spell book and Gildory kept staring at me.

"At you, you mean." Linda snickered.

"No this time I actually mean at both of us. Or did you forget that the picture liked you."

"Don't remind me." Linda said shivering at the memory.

* * *

While in McGonagall's classroom I read the books she gave me while Linda pretended to read for exactly eleven minutes. Then Linda decided to draw. Drawing amused her for eleven minutes. Then Linda decided to zone off. That lasted the rest of the time.

When her time to watch us was over McGonagall merely stood up and walked towards the door. We followed her out and I pocketed the spell book. How it fit in my pocket I shall never know.

* * *

"Hello Mr. Pretty Wand." Linda greeted Snape.

"Get out." Snape said glaring at Linda and pushing me down into a seat.

"Okay, Bye Candice." Linda said with a wave as she went back towards the door where a very amused McGonagall was still standing.

"Don't leave me Linda." I called ignoring the glare that Snape was giving me.

"Every man for himself." Linda called back.

"What about the buddy system?" I questioned.

"It died yesterday." Linda said before she was out the door.

* * *

After Linda left I began to search the room for an escape. I immediately realized it would be easier to find an escape if I was not sitting. I leaned forward but was stopped by Snape's drawl.

"No." He said simply not looking up from the papers he was grading.

I waited a while and started to lean forward again.

"No."

I stared at the ceiling for a couple of minutes counting the suspicious black stains on it. Soon I was bored with that. I looked around my chair and noticed a potions book next to it. I picked it up and began to read it out of sheer boredom.

"So if that and that combine it goes boom." I mused.

"Indeed." Snape said from right behind me scaring me because I thought he was still sitting down. Away from me.

"Is it time for dinner yet?" I asked hopefully.

"No." Snape replied simply. I blinked at him and he walked back to his chair which was a good five steps away from mine.

"You don't mind me reading, right?" I questioned hoping that he wouldn't be annoyed because I flip the pages too loud or something.

"No, you may continue." Snape agreed.

"Good." I said opening up the book to read it once more. Both of us sat in complete silence while reading.

* * *

"What are we going to do with you?" Minerva mused.

"Give me cookies." Linda offered.

"Binns has a free period at this time." Minerva announced.

"I get to hang out with a ghost." Linda said gleefully.

"Binns, could you watch her?"

"I suppose." He agreed.

"I really like History." Linda decided to try to make him distracted.

"Well in the year blah blah blah..." Binns began his speech.

"Interesting..." Linda said completely not interested.

"The Blah blah blah did the blah." Binns continued.

"Hmmm, oh look a window." Linda announced happily.

"Blah."

"Conveniently on the first floor." Linda noticed. Linda then went out the window. "Now that I am out what am I going to do? I know get a wand!" Linda decided after looking around the grounds.

* * *

"Why is everyone's wand wood? Why can't it be sparkles?" Linda asks the wand maker.

"Well you can make sparkles come out of the wand, if you find the right one."

"What are we waiting for! We could be looking at sparkles!" Linda shouted.

"Alright." He agreed getting out a box and handing the wand to Linda. Linda immediately flicked it causing it to make some boxes go on the floor.

"Not that one." Linda remarked.

"No, let's try this." he said handing Linda another wand. Linda flicked it to the side and a wall of fire appeared.

"I like it." Linda remarked.

"Not the one for you."

"Aw."

"Try this one." Linda flicked it and green sparkles flew out of it.

"Mine!" Linda shouted trying to write her name with the sparkles.

* * *

Linda arrived back at the school and entered the same window that she exited. She was seen by Draco Malfoy, but honestly who ever listens to him anyway so she really wasn't caught.

"Okay I get it. So that's how it went down." Linda said as Binns completed his speech.

"I am glad that someone appreciates History like I do. I will escort you to dinner." Binns said.

"So how was your last period?" Linda questioned during dinner while grinning at me.

"Very informative. I have gotten a lot of reading done today." I answered. "You?"

"I got a wand." Linda whispered and for once whispered correctly, as in no one but me heard.

"No fair! I want one." I whined in a whisper causing Snape to look at me strange. I waved him off.

"Hello lovely ladies." Lockhart grinned at Linda and me. Then he sat down between us causing us to be pushed closer to whoever was on the other side. For Linda that was McGonagall who glared at Lockhart for disturbing her dinner while scooting over to create room. I got pushed into Snape who glared at Lockhart but didn't move over.

"You." I muttered.

"So this is how you feel." Linda figured out staring at me.

"He keeps hitting on me." I whine to Snape hoping that he would be jealous or something and kill Lockhart for me. This caused Snape to scoot over and take me with him so I wouldn't be right next to Lockhart anymore. Well that helps a bit. If only he would let me scoot away into my own space. Does no one respect my personal space bubble? Don't answer that Linda.

"Have I told you about the time I…"

"Maybe and we don't care." Linda remarked.

"I care more about my fries." I replied reaching for a fry and happily gobbling it down.

"Well you do love your fries. So I guess it is hard for you to care about anything more than fries."

"Hey, I also like pie, cookies, chocolate, brownies, hot chocolate, candy, ice cream, shiny things…" I said listing a bunch of things that I like.

"Okay we get it." Minerva said to shut me up.

"As I was saying I once—

"I once had a lizard fall on my head." I interrupted him.

"I once…

"Well on two different occasions I got locked inside two different bathrooms due to faulty doors and had to use all my smarts to figure out a way out." I boasted.

"Speaking of bathroom…" Linda trailed off.

"Organized bathroom trip?" I suggested.

"Yes."

* * *

Preview from next chapter: Diary of a Psychopath Time

_**Who is writing in this diary?**_

_{You are.}_

_Duh._

_**I mean who is writing now?**_

_{Still you.}_

_**What are your names?**_

_{I don't tell strangers my name, it gives them power.}_

_If you can guess our names then we will give you...what did Rumpelstiltskin do again?_

_{Take babies.}_

_So if you guess our names we will give you back your baby._

_**What baby?**_

_**

* * *

**_

Funny story behind the being locked in two different bathrooms. I got out of one by taking the cotton off of a Q-tip and flattening the plastic part so that I could force the latch up. I felt so talented and smart when it worked. The second time the door was just jammed so I kicked it and it opened. Then my foot hurt and I felt stupid.


	3. Diary of a Psychopath Time

More people than I thought are actually reading this. I thought it would be me and like one person who is not Linda because Linda doesn't like reading. She makes me read things to her now. She still has no clue I put this up here. Haha, oops. I better write more because the chapters have almost caught up to where I am writing and when that happens it means I have to write things. For someone who writes for fun I tend to avoid it a lot.

Enjoy the happiness of randomness.

Talking of randomness the scroll bar thing on the side of the screen while I was putting pretty lines in this kept teleporting me back to the beginning of the story over and over again. And the title refuses to be centered.

* * *

Chapter 3: Diary of a Psychopath Time

"Oh look Linda, I found a Diary." I called coming out of the bathroom stall.

"We can write things in there!" Linda exclaimed happily.

"Yes and it is not just any Diary, it's magical." I said waving my hands and using spirit fingers to show the magicalness of the diary. Because magicalness is so a word.

"A _magic_ Diary? Yay!" Linda agreed.

_The other day I saw a man. When I saw this man I thought 'man he is bald'._ Linda wrote in the diary with her sparkly green pen.

{_The other day I too saw a man. When I saw him I thought 'this man is definitely bald'.}_ I wrote using the purple pen that I stole from Linda earlier.

_The next day I saw a man. When I saw him I thought 'Shiny, shiny, Baldy, Baldy'._

_{The next day I saw a man. When I saw him I thought 'Shiny, Shiny, shiny...Bald'.}_

_Today I saw a bug...it was green. It hopped._

_**Who is writing in this diary?**_

_{You are.}_

_Duh._

_**I mean who is writing now?**_

_{Still you.}_

_**What are your names?**_

_{I don't tell strangers my name, it gives them power.}_

_If you can guess our names then we will give you...what did Rumpelstiltskin do again?_

_{Take babies.}_

_So if you guess our names we will give you back your baby._

_**What baby?**_

_{What happened to the baby?}_

_A dingo ate it. A Dingo ate your baby._

_{Not to be confused with a Gingo.}_

_**What is a Gingo?**_

_{It's a Gin...dingo.}_

_**What is that?**_

_{We don't actually know.} _

_The point is that if you guess our names you will get the baby._

_**I don't have a baby.**_

_{How do you know? The future you could have one and you would never know.}_

_That poor Bastard child._

_{Poor thing.}_

_**I have an idea.**_

_{Good for you.}_

_Was there a light bulb?_

_**Why would there be a light bulb?**_

_I would want a light bulb every time I have an idea with a design of a question mark on it._

_{Like the riddler?}_

_**The Riddler?**_

_Batman and Robin._

_**You could help me come back to life.**_

_I'm sorry if you're dead, your dead. There's no helping you._

_{Well he is talking to us, so he's not quite dead?}_

_How would you know you aren't dead. You don't even know if you have a child? Can't you just come back to life by letting your hair down?_

_{That's Rapunzel.}_

_I forgot he was bald._

_**I'm not bald.**_

_Oh so you know you aren't dead but you know that you are not bald?_

_{Um Linda, that sentence...doesn't quite make sense completely.}_

_When did we ever make sense?_

_**Never.**_

_Oh, so you know that's good._

_**How do you know I am bald in the future?**_

_{Know something? We know nothing.}_

_Yes, nothing. Nothing at all._

_{I swears, with an s.}_

_Yes, yes. I swear._

_{We are definitely not doing the we-are-lying-to-you-evil-finger-Excellent-thing, right now.}_

_No, no we are definitely not. And we are definitely not doing the shifty eyes._

_{Never. Why are we writing this?}_

_I no know. No, no, no, no, no. I don't know anyting._

_**Do we have a deal?**_

_**{**__What deal?}_

_Was there a deal going on?_

_{I must have missed that part.}_

_**I guess your names and then you help me come back to life.**_

_What kind of boy keeps a diary anyway?_

_{A girly boy.}_

_Are you secretly or ever have been a transsexual? Why am I speaking in a fake English accent?_

_{Because Tom is British?}_

_Oh._

_{Wait, we are writing...}_

_**Girls.**_

_How do you know we are girls?_

_**I should hope no boys have chosen to use those colors.**_

_Yes, but we also hope that no boys would write in diaries, but that obviously didn't happen. And green is a neutral color._

_**Yes, but the sparkly.**_

_He said sparkly._

_{My color is regal. Sparkly.}_

_**Will you help me or not?**_

_Let me think about it._

"Are you girls done?" a voice drawled through the door. There is only one voice that can drawl through a door.

"Yes." Both Linda and I said suspiciously.

"Just get out here." Snape replied. I quickly pocketed the diary in my clearly magical pocket since I have like three books in there and it is not full or anything. How I got a magic pocket I shall never know.

* * *

The next day...

_Today was a good day. Lockhart's picture was mysteriously burned so it can no longer wink at me._

_{If only Lockhart would mysteriously burn.}_

_**Interesting.**_

_Oh yeah, she does that. Randomly she will be evil. She never follows through though._

_{Too Lazy.}_

_**Have you decided?**_

_{It's up to Linda.}_

_**Well...**_

_Still thinking._

_{It might take her a while.}_

_**If you didn't know then why are you writing in this diary?**_

_To record our thoughts and feelings?_

_{You know the purpose of the diary, and you do realize you called it a diary...right?}_

_**I think I lose intelligence every time I write to you two.**_

_Don't look at me, I didn't take it._

_**No I don't suppose you did.**_

_{Eventually you get used to the feeling.}_

_Hey! You are making it seem like it is my fault._

_{You did take the other half of my brain.}_

_Half that brain has always belonged to me._

_**Don't write back until you have an answer for me.**_

_**

* * *

**_

A week later...

_Today I met the giant Squid. I named him Geoffrey._

_{I also met the giant Squid. It was quite large.} _

_**Have you decided?**_

_Was I supposed to be thinking about something?_

_{I think that is a no.}_

_**What about you?**_

_{I like my life, so no.}_

_Wait, if I help him I would die?_

_{Yes, you forgot about that?}_

_**How do you know about that?**_

_{I know many things.}_

_**I thought you knew nothing?**_

_How mean._

_{Thinking I am stupid, meanie.}_

_**You both told me a week ago that you know nothing.**_

_{That's silly, how is it possible to know nothing. I know many things.}_

_**I wonder if it is possible to get a straight answer out of the two of you.**_

_I like circles better._

_{They are round.}_

"Hey, Linda?" I questioned out loud.

"Yes?" Linda questioned.

"Do you think we should get rid of the diary so Harry can find it and the story can continue?"

"Is it in the script?"

"It was in the book which is like a script."

"Okay then."

"So you know what that means?" I questioned.

"No."

"We get to play throw a book at a ghost!" I said happily.

"Sweet!"

"Wait." I paused just realizing that there was something very wrong with us being happy about throwing things at the ghost.

"Yes?"

"I have no aim."

"Neither do I."

"We will have to throw it blindly and hope it hits her."

"That should work."

"There is one more thing I want to do." I said taking the diary and drawing a smiley face on one of the pages.

_**What is the meaning of this?**_

_{It's a smiley face}_

_It means happiness, duh._

_**Why did you write that here?**_

_{I was recording my feelings. I feel…smiley face today.}_

_Good bye dear friend._

_{Oh yes, goodbye.}_

_**Where are you going?**_

_Ah, but it is you who are going somewhere._

_**Where?**_

_{To a place that we are not.}_

_**Why?**_

_{plot purposes}_

_Have fun with your evil plans!_

_

* * *

_

Linda and I then giggled all the way to Moaning Myrtles bathroom where we blindly tossed the book inside which hit some random girl.

"Why did you throw that?"

"We were hoping to hit someone else." I answered.

"Oh, okay." The random girl answered.

"Bye." Linda said with a smile and a wave.

"Good luck hitting whoever." The random girl called out leaving us alone in the bathroom.

"Such a nice girl. I commented while Linda nodded her agreement.

"Throw!" Linda said dramatically throwing the diary in a stall. Magically the diary passed right through Myrtle and we ran before she could see us.

* * *

Preview from next chapter: Chamber of Secrets Time

"_Hmmm, I think there is something we were supposed to be doing…" I commented looking at the clock._

"_Wasn't the Chamber of Secrets opened soon?" Linda questioned bored with doing nothing._

"_Oh yeah, maybe we should go watch what happens." I offered._

"_Better than doing nothing."_

"_The plot does like our plan."_


	4. Chamber of Secrets Time

I had a pretty bad day at work today and decided to randomly read reviews to feel better about myself and then I decided to upload this chapter. There is one more chapter in part 1 and then I need to start writing again because I am in the middle of part 2, which is the third year. I apparently hate the first year or something because none of my stories ever take place then. I have a couple of ideas for some other years of Harry Potter so you never know when this story will end, not anytime soon though.

Chapter 4: Chamber of Secrets Time

"I think this is the part with the giant spiders." I remembered.

"Oh, hell no. I vote we go get a snack." Linda decided.

"I agree with you on this one." I said walking with Linda towards the kitchen and away from the any door or window that would lead us outside.

"Hmmm, I think there is something we were supposed to be doing…" I commented looking at the clock.

"Wasn't the Chamber of Secrets opened soon?" Linda questioned while flicking pieces of paper towards a random hole in the wall, bored with doing nothing.

"Oh yeah, maybe we should go watch what happens." I offered.

"Better than doing nothing." Linda said glaring at the random hole.

"The plot does like our plan." I agreed suddenly wondering why there was a random hole and what might have been in it at one time.

* * *

"Where are we going?" Linda questioned once she noticed we were not going the right way to get to the girl's bathroom.

"To steal Snape's wand." I replied simply.

"Why?" Linda questioned.

"Because I want a wand too." I pouted.

"Why?"

"I don't want to meet crazy creepy book people without one."

"Why?"

"Why not?" I questioned back slightly annoyed with her always asking me why.

"So what's the plan?" Linda questioned suddenly excited about stealing his wand.

"I grab it and we run."

"Not a very good plan."

"No it's not but it's all I got."

"Okay." Linda agreed to go along with my plan.

* * *

I calmly walked up to Snape, where he was conveniently standing in the hallway with his wand out. Thank goodness I didn't have to get it out of his pocket, which would be creepy. I grabbed the pretty wand and ran for it. I got down the hallway and hid behind a pillar which, conveniently, had a random secret passageway. We both went through it and were safe.

* * *

"So why are we in the kitchen again?" I questioned.

"Snacks?" Linda pondered.

"Oh okay."

"Would masters like anything?" a random house elf questioned.

"Nerds." Linda answered.

"A cupcake." I decided.

* * *

"Oh no!" Linda shouted looking at the ground suddenly.

"What?" I questioned looking around for the random enemy.

"I dropped my Nerds."

"Oh."

"Don't 'Oh' at me. This is a serious problem." Linda said. We both looked on the ground for Linda's Nerds.

"Maybe it went over here." I said pointing down the hallway.

"You are right, it could have rolled." Linda agreed as we walked down the hallway right into the girl's bathroom. We kept looking at the ground until we noticed that there was a big hole in the floor.

"Maybe it went down there?" I offered pointing at the hole.

"Oh wait, it was in my hand the whole time." Linda figured out.

"Linda, sometimes you scare me." I muttered. We went down the hole only to find ourselves on the wrong end of Gildery's wand.

"What are you two doing here?" He questioned.

"Looking for Nerds." Linda answered honestly.

"Trying to figure out why there is a gaping hole in the middle of a bathroom." I informed him.

"You both can come with us. It's not like the two of you can do anything without wands." Lockhart ordered.

* * *

"Sacrifice!" Linda shouted pushing me towards the falling rocks effectively making me get trapped on the other side with Harry.

"Linda!" I shouted angrily.

"I don't like snakes!" Linda shouted back slightly muffled by the rocks.

"You know if you didn't push me we could have both stayed on that side of the rocks."

"Then the story couldn't have gone on."

"Fine stay there, where it is safe, be that way."

"So what now?" Harry questioned.

"Now we venture forth and you do things while I find a nice comfy place to watch." I decided pushing Harry away from the rock pile. For some reason I don't think he liked that plan.

* * *

"We should go get help." Ron decided.

"It's better than staying here with the rat bones." Linda mused.

"Let's go." Ron decided before they left. As they were walking, because Linda refused to run, through the hallway to get help Ron walked right into Snape.

"Where do you think you are going?" Snape questioned.

"We were—

"We?" Snape questioned gesturing to the fact that Ron was by himself.

"Where did Linda go?" Ron questioned looking around for Linda, but not finding her. Because she is hiding.

"There is a note." Snape said watching a piece of paper magically float in the air where Linda supposedly once stood.

"What's it say?" Ron questioned.

"It says 'Candice is also down there'." Snape humored Ron for once.

"Oh yeah." Ron remembered.

"Let's go." Snape said stalking down the hallway.

* * *

"Ah, Harry Potter." Tom greeted.

"Yes, focus on him." I whispered badly.

"You were one of the crazy girls who wrote in my journal." Tom said looking at me.

"Diary." I coughed fakely. "And you were the crazy psycho book."

"Definitely one of them."

"Yes, but which one?" I questioned.

"Wait, what's going on?" Harry questioned.

"I'll explain later." I decided shooing away Harry's questions, literally.

"Short version of what I was going to say is I am Voldemort." Tom explained.

"Thanks for shorting it." I said happy I didn't have to listen to an explanation of something I already knew.

"So why do you have Ginny?" Harry questioned.

"I am stealing her life for mine." Tom answered.

"I knew it."

"What?" Harry asked shocked.

"Meet the Basilisk." Tom said summoning the giant snake. The snake then chased Harry away.

"So, which one do you think I am?" I questioned once more.

"I don't know yet."

"Your genius is highly overrated."

"Don't mock me." Tom said angrily.

"Then what am I supposed to do?" I questioned with a slight whine.

"You can explain to me what you know of my other self." Tom offered.

"That would take a long time." I mused.

"I thought you knew nothing." Tom smirked.

"Meanie." I shot back.

"You are the one who had the purple pen." Tom guessed.

"Correct." I clapped.

"What do I win?" Tom questioned.

"The joy of knowing you were right."

"I am always right."

"Really?"

"Yes."

"I don't believe you."

"What is your name?"

"That's a secret." I said glancing around as if we were being watched.

"I will find out eventually." Tom decided.

"Sure you will."

"Someone will inform me."

"Sure they will."

"If not I could always torture you."

"You could, or you could ask nicely."

"I think I would rather torture you." He decided.

"I would rather you didn't."

"I am sure you would."

"For some reason being tortured doesn't sound like fun."

"It's not supposed to be fun."

"Thus the torture I suppose."

"What year are you in?"

"Good question." I stated looking like I was thinking about it, which I wasn't but he doesn't need to know that.

"How do you not know what year you are in?"

"Because I am technically not going to this school."

"How are you here?"

"Magic."

"Magic?"

"Yup definitely magic."

"Could you be more specific?"

"Powerful magic."

"Was it a ritual?"

"Not that I know of."

"A spell?"

"Maybe."

"A Potion?"

"Possibly."

"Don't you know?"

"Nope."

"How old are you?"

"Younger than you."

"Are you ever going to give me a straight answer?"

"Not so much."

"What are you doing here, if you are not a student?"

"Reading, learning, mostly annoying people."

"Learning?"

"I keep reading spell books because I am bored."

"So you are a witch?"

"I think so."

"Do you have a wand?"

"Nope, Linda does though."

"Linda?"

"Sparkley green pen."

"Ah."

"Oh look Harry's back." I pointed out.

"I will be back in a moment." He said oddly politely for a crazy psychopath.

"Sure you will."

"Don't move."

"Oh yeah, I was _so_ going to move with a basilisk on the loose." I stated before sitting down on a pile of rubble that was randomly on the floor.

* * *

Preview from next chapter: Going Home Time

"_Did I hear someone say doomed?" I questioned walking out of the room I was being interrogated in._

"_Doomed!"_

"_Doooooom." I repeated._

"_You don't even know what she is talking about."_

"_Doesn't matter either way we are doomed."_


	5. Going Home Time

Okay so when I was taking the really long story and making it chapter size I failed at life and made them all different sizes. This one is really short and I am sorry about that. Yeah, and lack of Tom Riddle is sad too. Maybe I will upload the next chapter sooner than I was planning. I think I have a chapter worth written.

Chapter 5: Going Home Time

Evil/Random Time skip between chapters

"Then Harry stabbed the book with the fang." I told the story so that they would believe Harry.

"What were you doing during this?" Minerva questioned.

"Sitting on a pile of rocks."

"Why didn't you help?"

"How was I supposed to help?"

"You could have…" Minerva trailed off because she couldn't think of a way I could have helped.

"I could have thrown some rocks but I was sitting on them." I admitted.

"So you just watched?" Minerva questioned me.

"Yeah, it was more interesting than looking at the wall."

"What else happened?"

"That was basically it."

* * *

"How did she wind up on the other side of the cave in?" Snape questioned the group.

"I pushed her." Linda answered with no shame.

"Why?"

"It seemed like a good idea at the time."

"You pushed your friend into unknown danger because it seemed like a good idea?"

"Yes."

"Your logic astounds me." Snape drawled.

"Thank you, your hair astounds me."

"I don't think that was a compliment." Ron whispered.

"For once Weasley is correct." Snape said.

"The world is doomed!" Linda shouted.

"Did I hear someone say doomed?" I questioned walking out of the room I was being interrogated in.

"Doomed!"

"Doooooom." I repeated.

"You don't even know what she is talking about."

"Doesn't matter either way we are doomed."

"Fine."

* * *

"Hey Linda?"

"Yes."

"Shouldn't we be leaving soon?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well we can't stay here over the summer, so…"

"True."

"How do we get back home?"

"Usually it just happens."

"Hmm."

"Any ideas?"

"One."

"What?"

"I am going to need a wand."

"How are we going to convince them to let you go get one?"

"Wait, I already stole Snapes."

"Oh yeah, so?"

"Um…Accio Home."

"How is that going to work?" Linda questioned as a portal appeared.

"We do not question these things." I said taking out some paper and a pen.

"What's the paper for?"

"I am writing a note to Snape."

"Why?"

"It seemed like fun at the time." I said right before I put the note and Snape's wand on the floor before stepping through the portal.

* * *

_Dear Snape,_

_Thank you for the use of your pretty wand. I needed it to go back home. Try not to kill anyone but if you do remember to make sure they are dead. Linda wants to remind you that smiling makes the world go round. I am sure we will be back some day. Try not to glare too hard at this note, it might catch fire. _

_From,_

_Guess who._

_

* * *

_

Preview From next chapter: Bad British Accent Time

"_You know what I was just reminded of?"_

"_No."_

"_Monkeys."_

"_Monkeys?" Harry questioned._

"_What about them?" Linda questioned._

"_No more monkeys jumping on the beds." I explained._

"_Are you saying we should stop?"_

"_Are we jumping?"_

"_No."_

"_Then we will be fine."_

"_Now I want to jump."_

"_Don't do it."_


	6. Bed Surfing Time

So this is the start to year three of my and slightly Linda's HP story.

Warnings for this chapter: unsafe traveling, crazy people, and oddly destructive powers.

Prisoner of Azkaban Time

Or

Bed Surfing Time

Linda and I should never be allowed to speak with fake British accents for several reasons. Reason 1) we are pretty bad at it. Reason 2) strange things happen when we do. Reason 3) Voldemort is creepy. Reason 4) Snape is creepy. Reason 5) we are really bad at it.

Linda and I were once again talking in (bad) fake British accents when we began to wonder what would happen if we started to talk about Harry Potter. We had been avoiding talking about it for fear of appearing in the Harry Potter world.

"I wonder what they are doing there right now."

"I don't." Linda remarked.

"I still want a wand." I whined.

"That can be arranged." A voice said.

"Did you just hear that?" I questioned.

"Yes." Linda admitted.

"Good, not crazy."

"That is arguable." The voice said.

"Don't push it." I said glaring at nothing.

"Have a pleasant trip." The voice said before we reappeared on the night bus.

"Where did you come from?" the driver questioned when we appeared.

"Somewhere that is not here." Linda answered.

"How did you get here?" the driver questioned.

"That we don't know." I answered.

"Hey, it's you!" Harry said realizing where he knew us from.

"Fancy meeting you here." I answered.

"Oh, it's you." Linda remarked.

"This is kind of fun." I said.

"I have an idea." Linda announced.

"What is it?"

"Bed surfing."

"Yes!" I shouted sitting up and trying to stand. Linda and I spent the next couple of minutes bed surfing. "This is fun you should try it." I told Harry after I fell once more but was fine because we were on beds.

"I'll pass." Harry said looking at us like we are crazy.

"You are no fun." I pouted.

"No fun at all." Linda shook her head in disappointment.

"You know what I was just reminded of?"

"No."

"Monkeys."

"Monkeys?" Harry questioned.

"What about them?" Linda questioned.

"No more monkeys jumping on the beds." I explained.

"Are you saying we should stop?"

"Are we jumping?"

"No."

"Then we will be fine."

"Now I want to jump."

"Don't do it."

"But I want to."

"Resist the temptation."

"Too tempting."

"Think about it Linda. Jumping on a moving bed in a moving vehicle, it just screams dangerous."

"True." Linda pouted.

"You're here." The driver guy announced.

* * *

"Harry Potter, it's a pleasure to meet you." The minister of magic greeted.

"Nice to meet you?" Harry said unsure.

"Who are the two of you?" the minister asked turning to us confused. Poor man never saw stalkers before.

"Harry's stalkers." Linda replied honestly.

"Figments of your imagination." I said while waving my arms oddly. Yeah, _I_ don't even know why I did that.

"Ignore them." Harry said with a sigh. Good to know he is smart enough to realize that is the best way of dealing with us.

"But who are they?"

"They are from Hogwarts." Harry replied. Good Harry make up a good story.

"I suppose you are rooming here too." The minister questioned.

"Probably." I agreed.

"What brings you out here from Hogwarts?"

"I need a wand." I replied quickly.

"What happened to your old one?" the minister questioned.

"It was a figment of my imagination." I grinned.

"Could I talk to Harry in private for a bit?"

"Sure." I agreed. Linda merely walked out the door.

* * *

"Customers." Ollivander announced as we walked in.

"I would like a wand." I said.

"I would like a million bucks." Linda remarked.

"Oh, it's you." Ollivander said.

"Yes it is I." Linda replied dramatically.

"Wand." I reminded them.

"Hold out your wand arm." Ollivander ordered.

"Okay." I said while holding both of my arms out.

"Just one."

"But I would like to be able to use either hand or two wands that would be cool." I answered.

"How do you know which one is which? How do you know we have a wand arm?"

"Tricky customer I see." Ollivander replied ignoring Linda.

"I just want a wand." I whined.

"It makes sparkles." Linda agreed nodding her head sagely.

"Try this one." Ollivander said placing a wand in my hand. I flicked it and a box hit Ollivander in the head.

"I don't think that one is right." I said.

"Try this one." Ollivander said gesturing to a wand that was on a table. I went to pick it up and it blew up before I could touch it. "That's different."

"Somehow I have a feeling that this one isn't mine." I remarked.

"Try this one." Ollivander said before hiding behind a table. When I flicked the wand the tip broke then somehow burned and turned to ash.

"That was cool." I said.

"Hmmm, very destructive magic." Ollivander noticed.

"Apparently."

"Let's try a sturdier wand. This wand type is usually only used by men."

"Of course I would get the manly wand." I sighed. Now the wands are in league with the fortune cookies.

"What is it cast iron?"

"No. Ivory. Usually I make wands with wood."

"You're special." Linda teased.

"Of course I am."

"Give it a try." He said handing me the wand. I swished the wand and the usual green sparkles came out.

"No lightning? Fire?" I said staring at my wand which caused it to spit a small thing of lighting out. "At least my wand is humoring me."

"My wand doesn't tell jokes." Linda whined.

"Haha, my wand has a personality." I mocked Linda.

"Curious." Ollivander said mysteriously.

"What?" I questioned.

"That particular wand—

"Wait." I interrupted. "Whenever you say something like that it never goes well. I don't want to know."

"Well, I do." Linda said.

"Fine."

"That particular wand contains a hair."

"A hair?"

"From Tom Riddle's head."

"Hahahaha." Linda and I laughed.

"What's so funny?" Ollivander questioned.

"Tom Riddle's hair!" I said.

"He has hair?" Linda questioned.

"Wait, why would you use someone's hair in a wand?" I questioned.

"It was custom made." He replied.

"For who? Tom Riddle?" I questioned.

"Yes."

"Doesn't he have a wand?" I mused.

"He wanted a spare."

"With his own hair in it?" I questioned once more.

"That's a bit conceited." Linda remarked.

"Doesn't a wand need to contain some magical creature's body parts or something?" I keep questioning.

"Yes."

"Then how the hell does my wand work?" I freaked out, while questioning.

"It's the ivory and I never expected it to work for anyone other than Tom Riddle."

"That says a lot about you." Linda said with a smirk. I swear it was a smirk.

"Dang it." I muttered.

"I figured it might work because it has very little magic on its own but it is very sturdy."

"And manly." Linda giggled.

"Great not only do I have a manly wand but I also have a wand with a crazy psychopath's hair."

"Yes, yes you do. I have my own wand, which is normal." Linda gloated.

"Curse me and my destructive powers." I said and noticed my wand was starting to do something. "Not literally. Stupid wand."

"The price for the wand has already been paid by Tom." Ollivander said.

"Hey Linda, how the hell did you get your wand? You don't have any money."

"I annoyed him until he gave it to me."

"She did." Ollivander said.

"I believe it."

"Wait, how are we going to pay to stay the night here?" Linda questioned as we stepped out of the wand shop.

"Crap."

* * *

Preview from next chapter: Train Ride Time

"_Join us." I said creepily._

"_Yes, join us." Linda said creepily._

"_Um." Ron said confused._

"_Good to know we can still scare small children." I said proudly to Linda._

"_I am not a small child." Ron said walking into the compartment._

"_No, I suppose not." I said grinning before I poked him in the belly._

"_Hey." Ron whined._

"_Oh look you all are inside, now you have no choice but to stay." I grinned eerily at them._

"_Stupid compartments being full." Ron whined._

"_Yes blame the inanimate objects." I pointed out._

"_Just like we do." Linda smiled._

"_Join us." Linda and I said in random creepy unison._


	7. Train Ride Time

Enjoy the chapter.

Beware the talking tea.

Train Ride Time

"Linda do I have to?" I whined.

"It's that or washing dishes." Linda reminded me.

"Washing dishes isn't that hard." I mused.

"And serving people food and drinks, which includes talking to them."

"Ugh talking to people."

"Then they will get drunk and start hitting on you."

"Wait, why am I doing all the work?"

"I am too lazy."

"Meanie." I pouted but alas Linda is immune.

"It's just one fire call." Linda pointed out.

"But, then I will owe him."

"Maybe it won't be that bad."

"We sent him a note telling him not to kill people and that smiles make the world go round." I pointed out.

"That probably won't help our cause."

"Yah think?"

"Just do it."

"Fine. Could I make a fire call?" I questioned.

"Sure." Tom the bartender said.

"Hogwarts, Severus Snape's quarters." I said clearly.

"What?" Snape said shocked a bit because my head appeared in his fireplace.

"Hi, um, so we are back in this world and I was wondering if you could spare some money for Linda and me to be able to spend the night in the inn so that we can go to Hogwarts on the train." I said quickly and without taking a break.

"Very well. You owe me." Snape grinned.

"Yeah, I know." I sighed.

"I will send an owl with the payment." Snape informed me.

"Okay, well, I will go because I feel like someone is looking at my butt. Byes for now." I said before I took out my head from the fireplace. I looked behind me and there was a creepy customer guy staring at me. I rationally picked up a piece of wood and threw it at him. Surprisingly, to everyone, it actually hit him. He stopped staring.

"Nice." Linda grinned.

"I know." I said shocked.

* * *

"I think we should pet him." I said as we walked into Lupin's compartment.

"Sure." Linda agreed. I sat down next to Lupin and began petting his hair causing the man to wake up.

"What?"

"Hi!" Linda and I both said happily.

"You are the two the headmaster told me about." Lupin replied oddly calm for someone who has a random stranger still petting his head. I love doggies and petting them.

"We are famous." Linda said proudly.

"More like infamous." I remarked.

"Do you mind if I sleep?" Lupin questioned worried about being rude by sleeping. Aw, manners.

"Go ahead." I said shifting over so that he could sleep. Must not pet sleeping people.

* * *

"Hi, um everywhere else is full." Harry said.

"Join us." I said creepily.

"Yes, join us." Linda said creepily.

"Um." Ron said confused.

"Good to know we can still scare small children." I said proudly to Linda.

"I am not a small child." Ron said walking into the compartment.

"No, I suppose not." I said grinning before I poked him in the belly.

"Hey." Ron whined.

"Oh look you all are inside, now you have no choice but to stay." I grinned eerily at them.

"Stupid compartments being full." Ron whined.

"Yes blame the inanimate objects." I pointed out.

"Just like we do." Linda smiled.

"Join us." Linda and I said in random creepy unison.

"Ignore them." Harry informed Ron.

"You ruin our fun." Linda and I pouted at the same time.

"Who is that?" Hermione questioned.

"A hobo." Linda and I said at the same time.

"The unison is starting to creep me out." Harry admitted.

"Who do you think it is really?" Hermione asked Harry completely ignoring us, rude.

"It could honestly be a Hobo. Hobos were people who rode trains without paying. I doubt he paid to ride." I pointed out logically nearly smirking at Hermione. I would have smirked but then I realized I don't know how. [Yay, Hobo railroad in New Hampshire!]

"Why are you sitting with a Hobo?" Hermione sighed wanting information more than she wanted to argue with crazy people. Arguing with crazy people never helps because no matter how much logic you use somehow you will still lose.

"You said it yourself," I began and then Linda joined in for the added effect of random creepy unison, "All the compartments are full."

"But you were here earlier." Hermione argued. Apparently she forgot the 'don't argue with crazy people' rule.

"How do you know that? Stalker." Linda said.

"For all you know it was full when we got here too." I replied.

"There were still compartments when we got here." Ron tried to help but failed. Failure.

"Then why didn't you go in one of them." I grinned eerily at him. I have that facial expression down.

"We, ugh." Ron said eloquently.

"That's right, crazy people always win arguments." I pointed out and Linda nodded her head in agreement.

"You just called yourselves crazy." Harry pointed out.

"Well, we are." I shrugged as if it was everyday that you admit that you are crazy. You never know maybe it is. You would think people would figure it out and just walk away. No people have to make me admit it.

"It is not good to lie to yourself." Linda agreed.

"There is no arguing with you both is there?" Hermione questioned.

"Didn't we just say that?" Linda questioned.

"Fine." Hermione huffed.

"How are we going to talk about things with them in the compartment?" Harry whispered wanting to tell his friends about what happened.

"You can talk in front of us. We already know." Linda pointed out.

"How?" Hermione questioned narrowing her eyes at us.

"They were somehow there for part of it." Harry admitted.

"But not all." Hermione continued.

"But we know about it." Linda continued and I shook my head sadly. Seriously Linda stop telling people we know things, it is more fun to shock them later.

"How?" Hermione asked curiously.

"We are psychic." I said dryly covering up Linda's mouth.

"I don't believe you." Harry replied.

"Professor Trelawny thinks we both have a gift in Divination." Linda said proudly.

"I hope we go with her again." I hoped.

"Yeah, she has tea." Linda agreed.

"Talking tea." I pointed out.

"Yes!" Linda remembered shouting happily.

"And you know what else?"

"What?" Linda played along with me.

"She's not Snape." I pointed out matter of factly. (Yes, Word I am well aware that factly isn't a word. Thank you for the pretty red underlines.)

"Obviously." Hermione said. Suddenly the train stopped and it began to get cold.

"Is it colder?" Linda questioned.

"Judging by the frost on the window I am going with yes." I pointed out amusing myself with drawing things in the frost. Things like a stick-figure man with his stick-figure dog and a stick-figure star.

"If I remember correctly this is the part when—" Linda began whispering.

"We get chocolate!" we whispered happily to each other.

I looked towards the door and saw a dementor stealing Harry's happy memories and him passing out as I began to forget mine.

"What were we just talking about?" Linda questioned me having forgotten the joy of us having chocolate soon.

"Here this will help." Lupin said handing Linda and me some chocolate.

"You are my new favorite person." I said taking the chocolate and hugging him quickly. I hugged him quickly so I could get back to my chocolate eating quicker.

"I remember now, we were talking about eating chocolate." Linda remarked ignoring the important conversation that Harry and them were having about dementors.

* * *

Preview from next chapter:

"_What do you mean Ron? Those two are crazy, they even admitted it."_

"_Yes but, you get the feeling that they know things."_

"_They do hang out with Trelawny a lot."_

"_Because she is _so_ great at seeing the future." Hermione scoffed._

"_Alright so who is going to ask them?" Harry questioned._

"_Not it." Ron and Hermione said quickly and at the same time._


	8. Crystal Ball Time

Haha, magic 8 ball…8 crystal ball.

I have no clue why this chapter is longer than usual...

8 Crystal Ball Time

"I can't see them can you?" I questioned looking at the carriages that were being pulled by threstrals.

"Nope." Linda answered.

"But I wanted to pet it." I pouted.

"I am sure you can pet Lupin some more." Linda pointed out.

"Okay." I said petting Remus on the head while he blushed a little.

"Welcome." Dumbledore told those of us who were in the special extra fast adult carriage. We had to get there before the children somehow.

"Hi!" Linda and I shouted happily waving.

"Hello." Lupin said to all the adults.

"Hello Candice, _you_." Snape greeted me and then as an afterthought glared towards Linda while saying you.

"I feel loved." Linda remarked.

"Hello everyone." I said happily.

"Hello Everybody's!" Linda said.

"What are we going to do with them this time?" Minerva questioned Dumbledore.

"I think we can trust them enough to attend classes with the students." Dumbledore said.

"Because we were here twice? Really? That earned your trust?" I questioned with one eyebrow raised. I was shocked at my skill too.

"Yes." Dumbledore answered simply.

"Okay then." I agreed quickly.

"We should have them in classes with the third years." Dumbledore continued accepting my acceptance easily.

"Why?" Minerva questioned.

"Why third years, shouldn't we start with the beginners? Can't we just have milk and cookies and naptimes." Linda questioned.

"Linda, this is Hogwarts not kindergarten." I explained.

"They do it in first grade." Linda countered.

"The first grade here has eleven year olds in it. Not 6." I continued.

"Do the eleven year olds get milk and cookies?" Linda questioned.

"Everyone gets milk and cookies." Dumbledore explained.

"Really? No, liar! Don't believe him Candice." Linda said pointing rudely at Dumbledore.

"Every student has access to the kitchens where you could request milk and cookies on your break time." Dumbledore explained.

"What about nap time?" Linda questioned.

"Sleep is important." Dumbledore agreed.

"During your free period you can do what you want." Minerva decided to help Dumbledore out.

"You drive a hard bargain mister." Linda replied.

"He didn't give you anything." I argued.

"He will give me milk and cookies."

"Eventually, and you have to get them from the kitchens."

"So?"

"That means walking."

"Walking? Physical movement?"

"That is usually what it means."

"No!"

"It's just a walk to the kitchens." Snape pointed out.

"I don't even like walking to the bathroom."

"Too much information Linda…" I said trailing off because I realized Snape had cookies near his plate.

"But that means I have to move" Linda whined.

"Yes, yes it does." I replied sitting down next to Snape and eating a cookie from his plate.

"Where did you get that cookie?"

"Snape's plate."

"Why don't I just eat his cookies?"

"Because that's mean."

"You are."

"I asked."

"When?"

"Last time we were here."

"I don't remember that."

"You were hiding from Lockhart."

"Oh, how did you know he was going to have cookies?"

"I asked him if I could eat all of his cookies for all eternity."

"He agreed to that?"

"Yup."

"Why?"

"He's apparently not the biggest fan of cookies."

"Blasphemy." Linda said sitting next to me and eating the cookie on my plate.

"I am going to need more cookies." Snape muttered to himself.

"Yes you are." I agreed.

"You still owe me for your stay at the Three Broomsticks."

"True, but I have no money."

"You will help me grade papers."

"But I don't know how to do potions."

"You know the first year information."

"I read that book once..."

"And?"

"Fine, I know the first year information."

"I will see you tomorrow night, alone."

"The alone sounds suspicious." Linda remarked.

"Yes Linda it does." I agreed wondering what was going to happen.

* * *

"You know I just realized we never actually went into our room, ever, according to this story." I sated.

"There were always these conveniently located time skips." Linda explained.

"I wonder why?"

"Maybe because no one cares about where we sleep."

"You know who cares."

"No one but stalkers care."

"You have a bunch of those."

"Stalkers aren't people. Therefore they do not count and thus no one cares."

"I care."

"Do you really?"

"No, but I feel like I should."

"I should too but you don't see me actually writing anything about our sleeping quarters."

"True."

* * *

"What do we have first?" I questioned Linda because she was the one who had both of our schedules for some odd reason.

"Double potions." Linda replied.

"Double potions, that seems hard." I mused.

"Let's just skip it."

"Yeah, it's not like we are going to be graded on it or anything."

"Where to hide?"

"Trelawny!" Linda and I both shouted at the same time in triumph.

* * *

"What are we going to do today Trelawny?" Linda questioned as we snuck into her classroom instead of Snape's.

"We are going to see into the beyond." Trelawny said as if she didn't answer that every time we asked.

"Are we going to take over the world after that?" I questioned smiling.

"I am not, but perhaps you are." Trelawny said mystically.

"I will look forward to that then." I remarked sitting down in front of a giant crystal ball.

"We are going to glance into the beyond through these crystal balls." Trelawny explained.

"So how do I turn it on?" I questioned after the three of us stared blankly at the crystal ball for at least two minutes.

"You need to picture what you want to see."

"I need to envision something so I can have a vision?"

"Yes."

"Like?"

"Past, present, or future."

"Let's go with present, I would think it would be easier." I remarked to Linda.

As soon as I decided that and Linda agreed we saw Harry, Ron, and Hermione talking in their common room. Hopefully, they are on a break from classes and not skipping. Skipping is fun but tends to be bad for your grade, especially if you are like me and once you get away with it once you keep doing it.

* * *

In the Crystal:

"We need to find out more about Sirius Black." Hermione decided.

"Maybe one of those two girls would know."

"What do you mean Ron? Those two are crazy, they even admitted it."

"Yes but, you get the feeling that they know things."

"They do hang out with Trelawny a lot."

"Because she is _so_ great at seeing the future." Hermione scoffed.

"Alright so who is going to ask them?" Harry questioned.

"Not it." Ron and Hermione said quickly and at the same time.

"I don't think I can handle talking to both of them at once, they tend to be even crazier together."

"Which one do you want to talk to?"

"The taller one seems more normal, or at least easier to talk to." Harry suggested.

"I will see what Fred and George can do to separate them for you."

"Thanks."

* * *

Not in the Crystal:

"Yeah, I wasn't really expecting that to work." I remarked in a whisper to Linda.

"Who's not normal?" Linda questioned.

"Us." I replied.

"I think it needed more colors." Linda responded seriously.

"It was showing us exactly how it looked." I argued.

"Maybe a rainbow transition between clear crystal and vision." Linda suggested as if I didn't just disagree with her.

"I will work on that?" I questioned wondering what I was supposed to do about that.

"Good, good, I have never had a pupil who was able to summon a vision on their first try. You two are great seers." Trelawny said happily clapping her hands.

"I wonder if we really are great seers or if the fact that we already know allows us to see things?" I pondered.

"Beats me. You know what we can use this crystal for?" Linda questioned.

"Spying on random people?" I suggested.

"No, we could see the young marauders. Back when they were young, cute, and not married." Linda pointed out.

"Great idea." I said excitedly.

"Seeing into the past is harder to master." Trelawny warned.

"So we are going to have to work?" I questioned spitting out the word work as if it was poisonous.

"Yes." Trelawny answered.

"Ew, I don't wanna." Linda replied.

* * *

"We need to borrow her for a minute." Fred and George said at the same time while dragging Linda away.

"I am being Kidnapped!" Linda shouted as if I didn't know already.

"Have fun with that." I told the twins.

"Aren't you going to save me?"

"I am still angry at you for leaving me alone with Snape."

"That was like three chapters ago."

"It was still mean. You killed the buddy system first." I pointed my finger angrily at her, angry finger!

"But I am being Kidnapped!" Linda whined.

"At least it is Fred and George and not you know who."

"Who?" Linda questioned.

"He who must not be named even though I just named him, an alias is still a name."

"He's gonna get you." Linda teased.

"And you wouldn't help me would you?" I pointed out.

"Nope." Linda admitted.

"So I am not going to help you not be kidnapped. Have fun with her." I told Linda and then the twins.

"Thanks." Fred and George saluted me.

"Bye!" I said waving as they dragged Linda away.

* * *

"Did you know Sirius Black has escaped from Azkaban?" Harry tried to make conversation with me, probably hoping I would tell him what I know.

"I had no clue!" I faked surprise, "I never would have known _especially _since there are absolutely _no_ posters telling me about it. I _definitely _didn't see the paper today or this month. Plus I _never_ listen to other people's conversations, that would be rude."

"Good point." Harry said nervously scratching his head.

"So you came to talk to me because?"

"Right. Um, I was wondering do you know anything about Sirius Black?"

"I know many things, but I am not telling. I can tell you this though. Don't fear the Grim Trelawny's off her rocker."

"Thanks." Harry said not very thankfully. He was probably thinking that he already knew Trelawny was crazy. She is, of course, and that is why Linda and I like her so much.

"I'm sure you will figure it out eventually." I grinned eerily at him hoping to stop this conversation.

* * *

"What are we going to do with her?" Fred asked George.

"I have an idea." Linda added.

"What?" both twins asked at the same time.

"Let's prank someone."

"I like her."

"Who?"

"Draco!" Linda offered.

"Malfoy?"

"Is there another Draco? If so I want to meet him, maybe he will be better than this one."

"Brilliant." The Twins said at the same time, again, while grinning.

* * *

Preview from next chapter: Theory Time

"_You know I am still right here." Linda pointed out realizing that the males had forgotten she was there._

"_What is your theory?" Lucious question ignoring Linda._

"_I believe they are from another dimension."_

"_How did you know?" Linda questioned wide eyed._

"_Your behaviors and actions are so different from ours."_

"_Oh, that. That isn't because of where we are from. We are strange no matter where we are." Linda shrugged._

"_So you admit you aren't from this dimension?" Lucious questioned._

"_Was I hiding it?" Linda wondered. _

"_How nice of you to be honest." Dumbledore said nicely to Linda._

"_So why am I here?" I questioned walking into the room._

"_Your friend Linda has pulled a nasty prank on young Mr. Malfoy."_

"_What exactly does that have to do with me?"_


	9. Theory Time

Hello Readers. Shhh, don't tell my other stories that I am updating this one. To the readers of those other ones, sorry still can't write them all... I am currently job hunting and was inspired to write this because I am going to hang out with Linda tomorrow. (Yay, Linda)

Theory Time

Epic Narration Mode time:

Draco Malfoy didn't believe in Divination. Well he believed in it but he didn't believe he was good at it. Actually, that is also not true. Draco Malfoy believes he is good at everything. The thing Draco Malfoy doesn't usually believe in is his foreboding feelings. Like the time he thought there was someone else in the empty corridor with him and later decided he was imagining it. The fact the thing was really Harry Potter under his invisibility cloak is a moot point.

My point is that Draco Malfoy felt a threatening feeling that morning at breakfast. If he had believed more in his gut feelings he would have simply gone to Professor Snape and requested a sleeping potion so that he could sleep until the next day. Draco Malfoy, however, did not do this and instead decided the feeling was in his head. Which, as we all know, is ridiculous because feelings are felt in your heart or soul—not your head.

It should have come to no surprise to Draco that when he walked back to the dungeon common room, without his usual band of cronies, he was attacked.

"Bufofors" is the only thing Draco Malfoy heard before he was transformed into a toad. (Latin for toad -–according to google—with for added at the end to make it sound cool)

He knew he was a toad because as he tried to say very colorful words to his assailant all that came out of his mouth was a croak. He could have been a frog but Draco Malfoy is from the magical world so he immediately thinks toad not frog. I digress again.

Draco Malfoy magically, not literally, got out of his captor's freckled fingers and hopped away. He could hear the twin's laughter for most of his trip. He could also hear a girl's laugh that whenever it started to sound a bit evil she would cough.

Draco thought he would be safe enough to traverse into the dungeons and find Professor Snape who would somehow know who he was. He didn't think his plan through very well because do you know how many potions use toad parts as ingredients?

Lucky Draco was saved from his imminent death by Neville Longbottom who had just gotten out of detention with Professor Snape for blowing up his cauldron again. Actually his detention was supposed to be longer but apparently even empty cauldrons blow up in Neville's presence. What Neville didn't know was that he had been scrubbing Fred and George's cauldron which they had charmed to blow up if anyone else touched it.

Neville assumed that the rogue toad hopping through the corridor was his Houdini-like toad Trevor and proceeded to take him back to Griffindore tower. On the way there a portrait of a long deceased potions master was invaded by Lorble the Madman who threw some random ingredients into it causing it to blow up. This made Neville and Draco the first people to ever have a picture potion blow up on them. It also brought Neville's cauldron death count for that day up to 8 a record for Neville. Notice earlier I mentioned 'first people'. Draco Malfoy had the unfortunate luck to have the twin's spell end exactly when the potion blew up.

Filch found both boys passed out on the floor with singed clothes and took them to the hospital wing. He didn't even question what happened because one of the boys was Neville Longbottom.

* * *

Back to normal mode: haha normal

"You have only been here one day and you are already causing trouble." Dumbledore questioned smiling for no reason.

"I am that skilled." Linda said proudly.

"I don't understand why she is here at all, is she a student?" Mr. Malfoy asked.

"Yes."

"What house?"

"Special case."

"How?" Lucious narrowed his eyes while looking at Linda.

"Last year her and another girl, who will be here shortly, both magically appeared inside Hogwarts."

"Inside?" Lucious asked impressed.

"Yes, quite mysterious."

"How you figured out how?"

"I have a theory."

"You know I am still right here." Linda pointed out realizing that the males had forgotten she was there.

"What is your theory?" Lucious question ignoring Linda.

"I believe they are from another dimension."

"How did you know?" Linda questioned wide eyed.

"Your behaviors and actions are so different from ours."

"Oh, that. That isn't because of where we are from. We are strange no matter where we are." Linda shrugged.

"So you admit you aren't from this dimension?" Lucious questioned.

"Was I hiding it?" Linda wondered.

"How nice of you to be honest." Dumbledore said nicely to Linda.

"So why am I here?" I questioned walking into the room.

"Your friend Linda has pulled a nasty prank on young Mr. Malfoy."

"What exactly does that have to do with me?"

"Since you are the only person in the world with any sense of control over her we are releasing her into your custody."

"You mean if she does something than I will be at fault."

"As much as a parent is at fault if their children do something."

"When did I become the parent type?" I questioned Linda who shrugged while grinning at me.

"Are you sure it is safe to release her into the custody of someone like her?" Lucious questioned.

"I have to agree with him, is it really safe to have the two of us together?"

"She actually causes less damage when you are together."

"Really? I suppose she does, weird. I never noticed that before."

"Probably because usually when you are not with me you are in danger or being stalked by creepy people." Linda added.

"True. I think staying with Linda is a great idea. Maybe I will be safer with her."

"Remember when she tried to sacrifice you?"

"Maybe not then. At least if we are together that will keep away some of the danger." I mused.

* * *

"Why is _she_ here?" Snape asked.

"Dumbledore's orders; she has to remain with me."

"It's like probation."

"Not like." I remarked dryly.

"I am a criminal!" Linda said happily.

"That is not something to be proud of." Severus drawled.

"I rob from the rich and give to the poor."

"You're not robin hood, you played a prank on Malfoy and got caught."

"So that's what I did wrong, I got caught."

"You are a horrible role model."

"I am a role model since when? I never agreed to that."

"I surely hope not."

"Then why did you mention it?"

"Bored?"

"You have no clue where you were going with that did you?"

"None what so ever."

* * *

About an hour into Linda and I sitting awkwardly in the potions classroom while Snape read essays and I read a book I took pity on Linda.

"Remember when we died? That time when we got poo-ed on?" I questioned Linda randomly.

"That was so weird. I was just like hey, the dinosaur is pooping and then bam!" Linda agreed.

"We died." I finished.

"That's disgusting." Snape said simply.

"Indeed it was." I agreed sagely.

"Why were there dinosaurs?" Snape questioned putting his papers down.

"We were playing Jurassic Park." I explained.

"What is that?"

"Poor Wizards, never knowing what arcade games based off of Dinosaur movies are."

"They do have magic so we can't pity them too much."

"You both can go." Snape sighed having enough of our conversation. I should have randomly started talking about being pooped on sooner.

* * *

"Puppy!" I shouted running to the dog that I saw in the woods.

"Candice that is a large dog."

"Puppy." I argued hugging the dog and petting it.

"You do realize who that is right?"

"A puppy." I repeated.

"You just like petting things."

"I do, because they are fuzzy." I said continuing to pet the dog whose tail was wagging at the attention it was receiving.

"They are going to wonder where we are."

"Fine, bye Sirius Puppy!"

"So you did know." Linda remarked.

"Did we just exchange brains for a moment?"

"Yeah you had the ADD part with no self control."

"And you were all logic-like."

"It was no fun."

"Yeah let's never do that again." I agreed.

* * *

Preview from next chapter: Dementor Time

"_There is a flock of Dementors coming this way." I calmly informed Linda as we watched them fly out of the Forbidden Forest._

_ "Do they travel in flocks?"_

_ "I figured since they fly they would be like birds."_

_ "Some Squirrels can fly."_

_ "Do squirrels travel with each other?"_

_ "No."_

_ "Then for all we know a bunch of squirrels could be a flock."_


	10. Dementor Time

Sorry for the shortness and quickness of this chapter. Linda and I were just done with book 3 and wanted to get on with our lives, which is odd since when I read the books 3 was one of my favorite ones. I would have given you more from book 4 but Linda and I kept getting distracted by this fighting game on the Wii instead of writing.

Dementor Time

"Today we are going to work on getting rid of Boggarts."

"Hey Linda, what is your biggest fear?" I whispered to Linda while tuning out Remus.

"Snakes, Spiders, Death,…" Linda continued to list her biggest fears for the class.

"Okay, Linda it is your turn." I said pushing Linda forward.

The boggart shifted into a giant snake, causing several girls to squeak in fear. Then it suddenly shifted and turned into a giant spider. It then became a giant shark. The boggart continued to shift as Linda thought of a way to make it funny.

"Riddikulus!" Linda shouted putting a box around the still shape shifting boggart making it look like it was in a TV and then a giant hammer appeared and continuously hit it over the head.

"Whack him with a hammer!" I said happily.

"Haha, your turn." Linda said grinning at me.

"It's…French Fries?" I questioned staring at the floating French fries in front of me. I decided to poke them. "Ew, they are cold."

"The inhumanity." Linda said shaking her head.

"Ack!" I said as Tom Riddle appeared next to the French fries and started eating them. "Those are mine!"

"So she is afraid of chips being eaten by a teenager?"

"No! they are mine! Don't steal them, even if they are cold." I argued moving to steal them from Tom Riddle who then changed into Voldemort.

"The horror, the horror." Linda said.

"You better not eat those." I said causing him to grin and bite into them. "Riddikulus!" I shouted turning the fries into worms. "Hah!" I shouted triumphantly before laughing hysterically.

* * *

"Somehow we made it to the part where stuff happens with a werewolf, a demon tree, and a pumpkin patch."

"Time went very strange this time." Linda mused.

"I kept skipping things with my dimensional time turner." I admitted.

"When did you get that?"

"I always had it. How do you think I skip the boring parts?"

"Oh, I see. I want one."

"No."

"Why not?"

"You would just skip to the end and then make it play backwards."

"True."

"Do we have to be a part of that stuff?"

"Nah, let's go eat some ice cream and then go outside and see what happens."

"Awesome."

* * *

"There is a flock of Dementors coming this way." I calmly informed Linda as we watched them fly out of the Forbidden Forest.

"Do they travel in flocks?"

"I figured since they fly they would be like birds."

"Some Squirrels can fly."

"Do squirrels travel with each other?"

"No."

"Then for all we know a bunch of squirrels could be a flock."

"Ooh, pretty!" Linda said watching her soul being sucked out of her body.

"How could you stand to be near them for so long?" Minerva questioned after saving us from certain death by dementors.

"I don't have any bad memories." Linda admitted proudly. "Although, I think I stubbed my toe earlier."

"I suppress my bad memories." I added.

"From dementors?" Minerva questioned not believing me.

"I am that good at it. The joys of selective memory."

"Are your bad memories that bad?" She questioned.

"I don't know…I am repressing them. Duh."

* * *

"We missed the time turner train." I pointed out.

"Can't we just use yours?" Linda questioned.

"Mine only goes forwards, not backwards."

"Why?"

"Our reality has that space-time-continuum thing."

"Oh, so how are we going to watch what happens?"

"We're not." I stated right when we were transported back to our world.

End Book 3

* * *

Since that is definitely not enough for a chapter I give you some Book 4 funtimes:

Linda and I were, unlike last time, merely thinking in British accents. I was reading Frankenstein which needs to have a British accent to fully get the feeling of the book. Linda was randomly thinking in a fake British accent. We were both transported, I would assume magically, back into Harry Potter World.

* * *

"Linda?" I questioned looking around this large, creepy, normal-spider infested mansion.

"See who is there Wormtail." I heard a raspy voice command.

"Crap." I cursed.

* * *

Meanwhile…

"Have you seen Candice? She is about, really tall, and has a manly wand?"

"No we haven't seen her."

"That's odd. This is the first random teleportation to your world that she did not come with me for. Speaking of, where am I?" Linda questioned just noticing she was in a clearing in the woods. Good job Linda.

"You are at the Quidditch World Cup." Fred and George both said excitedly.

* * *

Preview from next chapter: Ugly Baby Time

"_Wormtail, bring her to me." I heard the Voldemort voice command._

"_Yes, my Lord." Wormtail said before exiting the room._

"_Hello, Wormtail, fancy meeting you here." I said while backing away from the door that I was eavesdropping at._

"_You need to come with me."_

"_I don't want to." I said before running away, like a smart person._

"_Stop! Stupify!" Wormtail shouted after me._

"_Don't wanna!" I shouted back almost reaching the safety of the graveyard. Sadly I tripped over a giant snake._


	11. Ugly Baby Time

I love posting things without Linda even reading them first…Waiting for her input would take too long. Luckily I know her so well that half the time I write what she does anyway.

* * *

I don't know why I put this line here...evil line of doom? Line of awesomeness? Line of button pushing?

* * *

Ugly Baby Time

* * *

Book 4

Linda and I were, unlike last time, merely thinking in British accents. I was reading Frankenstein which needs to have a British accent to fully get the feeling of the book. Linda was randomly thinking in a fake British accent. We were both transported, I would assume magically, back into Harry Potter World.

"Linda?" I questioned looking around this large, creepy, normal-spider infested mansion.

"See who is there Wormtail." I heard a raspy voice command.

"Crap." I cursed.

* * *

Meanwhile…

"Have you seen Candice? She is about, really tall, and has a manly wand?"

"No we haven't seen her."

"That's odd. This is the first random teleportation to your world that she did not come with me for. Speaking of, where am I?" Linda questioned just noticing she was in a clearing in the woods. Good job Linda.

"You are at the Quidditch World Cup." Fred and George both said excitedly.

"Awesome!" Linda said grinning and completely forgetting that I am missing. Great friend she isn't she?

* * *

"Wormtail, bring her to me." I heard the Voldemort voice command.

"Yes, my Lord." Wormtail said before exiting the room.

"Hello, Wormtail, fancy meeting you here." I said while backing away from the door that I was eavesdropping at.

"You need to come with me."

"I don't want to." I said before running away, like a smart person.

"Stop! Stupify!" Wormtail shouted after me.

"Don't wanna!" I shouted back almost reaching the safety of the graveyard. Sadly I tripped over a giant snake.

"Hiss!" the snake hissed at me moving like it was going to attack me. Luckily for me Wormtail caught up with me, huffing and out of breath, so I could use him as a shield.

"My Lord wants to see you." Wormtail told me between huffs and puffs, as if I didn't already over hear that when I was listening to their private conversation.

"Hiss." Nagini seemed to understand Wormtail because she started making me back up towards the room.

"Fine I am going." I pouted at the snake hoping she would pity me and let me go, no such luck.

* * *

"Shouldn't you be looking for your friend?" Harry questioned Linda as she waited in line to get her face painted.

"Face paint." Linda said simply as an answer.

"Aren't you worried?" Hermione questioned.

"She will be fine. She has an oddly manly wand and a book."

"A book?"

"She was reading Frankenstein when we teleported."

"How will the book help her?" Ron questioned.

"I don't know, but at least she has a book." Linda said sagely, as if she just solved all of their problems.

* * *

"Your magic seems to be compatible to mine." The ugly Voldy baby thing said after I attempted to scourgify it out of existence. Why I tried to use scourgify instead of something like incendio I shall never know. I guess I thought that ugly is the same thing as dirty.

"You just think that because I have your hair wand." I pouted because I was caught.

"That wand shouldn't work for anyone but me."

"Actually, logically, this wand shouldn't work at all." I pointed out logically.

"What do you mean?"

"It has no magical properties."

"The wood does."

"Not enough for it to work."

"Then how does it work?"

"I don't know; you're the evil genius."

"I shall have to research this."

"Good luck turning the pages."

"You can do it for me."

"The research or the page turning?"

"Both."

"Then wouldn't it be simpler just to have me research by myself."

"Yes, if I thought that you would share your findings."

"Wait, where are these books we are going to research with?"

"They are not here."

"Where are they?"

"I will have access to them once I have my body again."

"Then why would I have to turn the pages for you?"

"Wormtail you can leave us now."

"Yes my Lord." Wormtail said reminding me that he was there. I was having too much fun arguing with the ugly baby to notice insignificant details like Wormtail.

"Just because I made a point that proves you wrong doesn't mean you need to kick Wormtail out of the room."

"You can take care of me in Wormtail's stead."

"Ew, the ugly baby likes me." I said to absolutely no one because Wormtail left the building.

"I do not like you. Your magic is just more compatible with mine then Wormtail's weak magic."

"I like how you said nothing about the ugly baby comment. Just so you know I am not changing any diapers."

"Very well, I will use Wormtail for that."

"Nor am I burping you."

"Wormtail."

"Do I have to acknowledge your existence?"

"You are right now."

"Curses, foiled again."

* * *

"After party time!" Linda said happily celebrating with the twins.

"Yeah!" Fred or George celebrated with her.

"I feel like there is something I should remember, oh well, Butterbeer!" Linda attempted to remember an important detail about the plot but couldn't remember. She then proceeded to dance around the campfire like everyone else because for some reason dancing around fires is a fun party event.

* * *

"Nagini, you should eat this baby."

"Hiss…"

"Ugly Babies are the most delicious type of baby."

"Hiss."

"He is delicious I swear."

"Hiss."

"I am not lying."

"Hiss."

"No, I really think you should eat him."

"Hiss."

"If you don't eat him I will feed you this ugly baby."

"Hiss."

"Ugly babies are delicious and nutritious."

"Hiss."

"Well if you don't want this scrumptiously delicious ugly baby then can I interest you in rat flavored human?"

"H-hey!" Wormtail shouted to stop me from convincing Nagini to eat him.

"See how loyal he is, only stopping me when I started to go after him." I said to the ugly baby.

"True, but he knew Nagini would never eat me. She would eat him." Voldemort explained.

"Nagini, wouldn't you enjoy eating some nice ugly baby desert after having delicious rat-man meat?"

"Hiss."

"You are watching your figure? You are a snake you should want to become bigger and scarier."

"You are aware that none of what you are saying makes any sense with what she is saying." Voldemort pointed out.

"Prove it."

"She is saying—

"Until I hear her say it, I don't believe you."

"Wormtail, curse her."

"You will have to catch me." I said before running out the door. Wormtail stumbled out after me, panting.

"Stupify!" Wormtail shouted to get me to stop but instead I hid behind a couch.

"Stupify!" I said popping up from behind the couch and hitting him causing him to hit the ground with a thump.

"Wormtail?"

"No such luck." I shouted back happily.

"Nagaini."

"Crap." I said before rushing out the door.

* * *

"The death eater attack!" Linda said running into the forest with Harry.

"You knew about this!"

"Yeah, I know about everything." Linda said eerily.

"How do we get out of here?"

"Running around in circles, as far as I know. This is where Candice usually supplies the important information that I forgot."

"Then let's get started." Harry agreed with a sigh due to having to listen to a crazy person.

"Yay, we are safe." Linda said happily ignoring the burning tents, forest, and possibly people.

"Well who did it?" Harry questioned Linda quietly.

"Do you want the movie or the book version?"

"Both."

"I don't think I should tell, it's more fun if you find out about it later."

"Fine." Harry said tiredly. You would think he was tired or something from running around all night and not sleeping enough.

* * *

Preview from next chapter: Escape Time

"_Can I go outside?" I questioned randomly._

"_No." Voldemort answered._

"_Please."_

"_No."_

"_But it's nice and cloudy outside."_

"_Shouldn't you want to go out in the sun."_

"_No I don't like the sun, I want to go outside when it's cloudy, which it is."_

"_Fine. Don't try to run away."_

"_Where would I go?"_

"_Watch her Wormtail."_


End file.
